Early in my
ministry, Ezra 7:10 became something of a theme verse for me:
“For Ezra had set his heart to study the law of the Lord, and to do it, and to teach his statutes and ordinances in Israel.”
Like Ezra, I
devoted myself to study the Word of God, to do it, and to teach it to the
people of God. In retrospect, if I’m honest with myself, I devoted myself more
to the study and teaching, than to the doing.
To some
degree, I was trained academically to be like Ezra, “a scribe skilled in the
Law of Moses” (7:6), and teaching seems to be my area of giftedness—at least,
if you believe the spiritual aptitude tests and the feedback of church members.
And I still don’t know what to do with the sense that I am not using my primary
gifts very much—one or two adjunct courses a year at Lipscomb University, and
an occasional guest sermon at area churches—a reality that continues to
distress my devoted wife.
In our new
home in the city, we have a storage room above our garage. I built some shelves
in it to hold my books, in case I ever needed access to them. Several months
after we moved, I unpacked box after box of books onto those shelves—commentaries,
Greek and Hebrew dictionaries and grammars, studies on New Testament
backgrounds, resources for ministry—hundreds of books representing years and
years of perfecting my craft as a scribe skilled in the Word. As I unpacked a
long row of books on worship, I found myself beginning to weep. It seemed as
though I was putting everything I had worked so hard to become on a storage
shelf.
But this too
was a moment of truth. Perhaps, of all the discoveries I have made about myself
and my ministry, I think the most troubling is this: I have come to realize
that I have lived my life more as a
disciple of Ezra than a disciple of Jesus.
What does one
say after that?
“Sorry” seems
trite. But I am sorry. I must
apologize to God for failing to do what was most important in my service of
him. I must apologize to Jesus for misrepresenting his ministry—my ministry
didn’t look like his ministry. I must apologize to the good people who looked
to me as a spiritual leader. I believe I failed at the central task of a
leader—I failed to follow Jesus myself.
Followers of Jesus do what Jesus did. I
failed to do that. It’s just that simple.
Ultimately, I
feel this may be the greatest failure of churches today, whether traditional or
contemporary. We don’t really pay our scribes to be disciples, and so we aren’t
very good at making disciples. We have focused our efforts on making believers
in Jesus—either preserving and passing on the traditions of the faith, or evangelizing
people to become believers. As a result, our efforts have produced a reality
that I only recently have come to recognize: most churches are full of believers in Jesus, but not followers of
Jesus. As Denver Moore (The Same Kind
of Different as Me and What
Difference Do It Make) observes, we’re a lot more focused on Bible studying
than Bible doing. I helped perpetuate that reality.
For the past
3 years I have been trying to become what for 30 years I failed to be—someone
who goes where Jesus went, helps those he helped, teaches what he taught, and
is friends with those who were his friends. It’s not been easy—but it’s been
good.
And it’s 30 years too late.
22 comments:
Thought provoking, Rob. I need to dig out the earlier two. thanks.--Dale Smith
Interesting Robski. I agree. We spend so much time on buildings and classes and ministries thar only serve ourselves but have zero impact on the lost. That cant be what Jesus died for. Good luck on your new journey.
Brother, amen! I could say more, but God has begun a work in you that I can't describe better than what you have. Praise God that He will also redeem regrets if we give them up.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. Jesus taught you to strive to be like him knowing that no human being could ever be able to attain that goal. That is why he provides us with the gift of forgiveness. We forgive ourselves and others, and he forgives us.
Whether the "new" Rob or the "old," ever since we met two decades ago you've been one of my heroes.
Rob please put me on your blog list
acuffsbxr@blomand.net. you strike a nerve with me that to be His we have to do what He did.
john Acuff
Dale, you should be able to find them right before this on the blog. They were all posted in the last few days. This last one needs the context of the first.
Thanks Bill, Tim, and Gayle for the affirmation. I appreciate the encouraging words.
Allison, thanks for the kind words. It's not that I don't forgive myself or that I believe Jesus expected me to follow him perfectly. If you read the first blog in the series you may see more clearly that my real concern is that in church we are not focused on the things on which Jesus was focused. He came to preach good news to the poor and to seek lost sheep. Most churches aren't really following him on that mission, and we who lead the church are largely at fault.
John, there's supposed to be a way to subscribe to the blog so you get an email when something is posted, but I don't remember how to do it and don't see it now. I also can't find any way to add you as a subscriber or follower. Maybe someone else here knows.
Whenever I post a blog, I generally post a notice on Twitter and Facebook. If you can't subscribe on the blog, maybe you can connect that way.
John, I think I found the problem. The "follow" gadget was missing on the blog. I just put it back underneath my profile. You can enter your email address and follow the blog there.
Warning: I'm not very regular about blogging.
Dear Readers, I've been surprised by the interest this post has generated. However, I see that it has been viewed by almost twice as many people as read the first in the series. (I guess that's better than most people giving up on a series after the first post!) If you found this post interesting, I encourage you to read the first one for needed context to the story.
30 years too late?
Forgive me if I seem dismissive of your lament, but in the spirit of encouragement . . .
1. We would not be reading this profound confession without your 30 years of wilderness wandering. At least you accomplished your sojourn in 3/4 the time it took Israel.
2. Just as Paul's testimony was strengthened by his turn around (Gal. 1:23), I believe that your turn around also gives power to your testimony. I know it speaks to me. That image of putting the books on the shelf is touching and convicting at the same time.
This is a great series of articles. You have made a powerful point and you put into words something that is helping me.
Where does one start? First of all, I waited to comment until I read all 4 posts - I wanted the complete picture, your global view. Second, you and I go back more than 40 years (hard to believe!), and I've long been an admirer of yours. You have striven to be a follower of Jesus, and until just recently there hasn't been the education and guidance to do it as you've discovered. I'm of the mind that it took all of the 30 years of your ministry to get you to the point you are now. By trial and error, by being open to new ideas and understandings, and by surrendering your life to the will of God, you have arrived where you are now.
You and I have discussed this somewhat, and I want to in greater depth, but I am deeply moved by the example of your and Judy's walk and your both taking the challenge and risk you have in your missional journey. I've heard it said that it's easier to get non-Christians to follow Jesus than Christians. Unfortunately, not long after Jesus died, that dynamic movement of reform he led morphed into an institution - ironically the VERY thing he came to change radically. There have been notable attempts in the past 2,000 years for men and women to seek simply to follow Jesus and DO as Jesus did (Jesus never said, believe as I do, rather do what I do!) instead of simply being "members" of the Christian institution, e.g. St. Francis of Assisi. But as a whole the institution has been a club accepting members on the basis of their merits (status, money, race, gender, "good deeds,” etc.) and not their brokenness, their common humanity which is what Jesus taught us to serve and minister to. I recently saw posted on Twitter, "Q: What do the Crusades, the Inquisition, witch hunts, Holocaust, elders’ "kangaroo courts" (my addition) and 9/11 have in common? A: They were all faith-based... And as you recently reminded me, your Dad said, "Now abide faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is doctrine."
Where and how do I end this? I guess I'll end with one final thought sparked by your blogs. There is a growing movement known as the "Emerging Church," but one of the things that concerns me is that it still seems to be inward group-focused rather than outward world-focused. I see these mega churches with huge new buildings and comparable budgets. They're still serving themselves, not others. It's hard to reach outside oneself toward others, yet that is the essence of Jesus' message: "I came not to be served (read: church buildings, worship, "feel-good" preaching, etc.), rather to serve." Or as one of his early ardent followers said we die to self that we might live and serve others. How did we get so far away from the simple, simple message of Jesus??????
Finally, your message and life are convicting, certainly of me, and I've struggled as you have, but I've not yet arrived at the point you have to act upon it. I’m still seeking – I feel as though I’m still “wandering in the wilderness.” Perhaps I’m more comfortable in my head than in my heart.
Finally, finally – thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey with us. It’s inspiring and thought-provoking.
- Neil Christy
My journey took 40 years, but every day when I walk into jai I know that Jesus is also walking there loving the unloved. You are on the right track when you follow Jesus. I was with a young man who was concerned about his young children one a 2 year old with Epilepsy and in need of brain surgery. Follow Jesus and may continue to bless you and led you
Rob, you have hit the nail on the head with this series. It seems to me things have changed some in recent decades, but the culture of the Churches of Christ in which many of us grew up emphasized the role of "scribes" more than it did the role of disciples, and the schools reflected/supported that same emphasis. We have matured through the years and still come short of the ideal.
I echo those who have affirmed you and Judy and your discipleship through the years. I applaud your commitment in your present situation, but while it is down a different trail, it exemplifies the same hearts (yours and Judy's) that were equally obedient before though not down the same trail.
God bless you each day, each moment, and may the Spirit of Jesus empower and guide you both every step you take.
Your admiring brother,
Edward
Neil, could it really be 40 years!? It just doesn't seem that long ago that you sat in our home dreaming with us of a year in Israel/Palestine.
Thanks for the kind words. I look forward to talking more about all of this over lunch soon.
Thanks again to all for the affirming words. I'm glad that these thoughts have proven helpful, but I am uncomfortable with the praise that has been posted here and on Facebook. I think I'm better at raising hard questions than at practicing what I'm preaching. But I am trying.
Rob, I am so happy to have discovered your blog (by way of Parri). I really admire what you and your wife are doing, and I admire the powerful statement in these three blog entries. Please remember me to your parents of whom I have so many fond memories.
Margaret Ordoubadiananursely
Sorry about the messed up signature. Margaret O.
Margaret,
It is good to hear from you. Thanks for the kind words. I will certainly pass on your greeting to my parents. Tell Parri "hi" for me.
Rob
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